First things first: put down the phone.  

Better yet, chuck it across the room, into a river, out to the stratosphere.  

Okay, now that we’ve removed the temptation to do something toxic (no, it isn’t going to be different *this time*), let’s discuss some productive (or, at least, mildly less toxic) activities you can engage in on Valentine’s Day.  

#1: Go on a Date 

Hear me out, if you’re feel oh-so compelled to message someone, at least make it someone who didn’t forget your birthday—twice. Open your dating app of choice, throw some likes into the universe, and see what comes back to you. Best case scenario, you’re engaged by this time next year. Worst case scenario, you kept yourself entertained and those text-happy fingers at bay.  

No likes, no problem—take yourself out on a date. Go to the movies, a wine bar, a café, anywhere that gets you out of the house. Bonus points if you strike up a harmless flirtation with a bartender, fellow restaurant patron, or, why not, the concession-stand attendant.  

#2: Get a Hobby 

To paraphrase a very famous blonde lawyer: Activities make you busy. Busy people just don’t text their ex, they just don’t.  

She was right and so am I.  

Sign up for that pottery class you’ve been eyeing, start training for a marathon, whip up a new recipe, write the great American novel. Use this as an opportunity to create space for something you really want to do and haven’t made the time. Just imagine how jealous your ex will be when they see you on your book tour or rubbing elbows with Martha Stewart. And to think, it all happened because you decided to be productive rather than destructive on Valentine’s Day—you’re welcome.   

#3: Grab the Girls 

Justice for relationships that are non-romantic—the love between best friends is just as worthy of celebration as any other. And before you start labeling me as a sappy so-and-so, I highly recommend you and your gals host a roast of your exes. Let the wine flow and the tea spill. It’s cathartic and scratches the itch of wanting to talk about your ex instead of talking to your ex. And that’s feminism, baby.  

#4: Seek (Retail) Therapy 

Listen, I’m certainly not qualified to tell you how to handle your mental health. I am, however, qualified to tell you I’ve never had an emotional wound that shopping couldn’t heal. Is this a shameless plug for the Victoria’s Secret V-Day collection? Only partially.  

Think about it, you’re too busy scrolling and adding to cart to possibly send that “Hey” text. And by the time you’ve hit “complete order,” your dopamine is going to be so high you may never seek companionship again (or at least for a few hours).  

#5: Adopt a Pet 

What? I never said all of these were particularly stable alternatives… 

Happy V-Day, 

xoxo